I am so grateful you opened up and shared what is on your mind. That is always a big first step in forgiveness and inner healing. To open and share with a brother is a symbol of your willingness to hide nothing from the Holy Spirit. Progress in meditation and peace of mind and inner fulfillment can seem slow and frustrating and difficult. This is always a call to go deeper within. There is a tremendous fear of looking within, for the ego has convinced the sleeping mind that God will punish those that have "left" Heaven. The ego's world is filled with distractions and fantasy goals to offer many substitutes and diversions from the "dreaded" looking within."