Hi David,

I wanted to get some clarity about a deep issue in mind. The passage
in chapter 12 crucifixion by guilt 2nd last paragraph reads: "The
Atonement has always been interpreted as the release from guilt, and
this is correct if it is understood. Yet even when I have interpreted
it for you you have rejected it and have not accepted it for
yourself. You have recognized the futility of the ego and its
offerings but though you do not want the ego you do not look upon the
alternative with gladness. You are afaid of redemption and believe it
will kill you.( what does this mean?) (if this is true no wonder I am
resisting salvation) (how do I overcome this?) Make no mistake about
the depth of your fear. For you believe that in the presence of
truth, you will turn on yourself and destroy yourself." (help can you
explain this)

I feel right now tremendous guilt and pain in my mind and it is
manifesting physically in that I feel sick nearly all the time and
have constant severe headaches. I feel like my mind in contracting in
terror and I try to relax and use the lessons (its not true its just
a dream) but it doesnt penetrate the depths where it changes and I
Know its not true. I keep my life as simple as possible and I hardly
have any energy -I have to lay down all the time. And it seems to be
getting worse. The paragraph which touched me the most in the whole
text is in the fear of redemption paragraph 7. It touched a nerve and
feels like this is the place I am at in my mind. It reads:

"The reason you must look upon your delusions and not keep them
hidden is that they do not rest on their own foundation. In
concealment they appear to do so, and thus they seem to be self
sustained. This is the fundamental illusion on which they rest. For
beneath them and concealed as long as they are hidden is the loving
mind that thought it made them in anger. And the pain in this mind is
so apparent when it is uncovered that its need of healing cannot be
denied. Not all the tricks and games you offer it can heal it for
here is the real crucifixion of gods son..."( Can you explain this)

I also get confused on how not to identify with the ego when Jesus is
talking in the course directly to the ego (eg., he says 'you
believe'....how am I meant to not identify with the ego and expose it
at the same time, seems so confusing. Help I feel so embarassed
exposing this because part of my mind knows its a lie yet the other
part doesn't. Does that make sense? Thanks for your help.

__________________________________________________________

Beloved One,

Thanks for pouring out your heart with the willingness to release the
block. Together we will look at the questions you have raised, one
by one, about the passage in ACIM that you read.

1. "You are afaid of redemption and believe it will kill you."

To come to this world is a witness to the belief that Heaven has been
replaced by error, or that Truth has been replaced by illusions. To
the mind that has forgotten its True Identity (Light), the Light is
indeed very fearful. The self-concept was made as a replacement for
Love, and as the self-concept is exposed and released the ego judges
redemption as its own death. Thus the Holy Spirit, which the ego
does not know but suspects, is believed to be the killer and the ego,
which is the belief in death, is believed to be real and having
existence. The Holy Spirit is actually the reminder of and the
memory of Spirit, Which is Life. Yet Life, and Life's Representative
are threats to the ego.

2. How do I overcome this?

All this is overcome by miracles, the shifts in perspective that show
the false as false, and the cosmos as unreal. So many miracles are
needed for the sleeping mind to be convinced that the cosmos is only
a dream of images that have no meaning.

3. "...make no mistake about the depth of your fear. For you believe
that in the presence of truth, you will turn on yourself and destroy
yourself."(help can you explain this)

The ego is the belief in Self-destruction, and so this is a version
of Psychic suicide in the Face of Truth.

4. "The reason you must look upon your delusions and not keep them
hidden is that they do not rest on their own foundation. In
concealment they appear to do so, and thus they seem to be self
sustained. This is the fundamental illusion on which they rest. For
beneath them and concealed as long as they are hidden is the loving
mind that thought it made them in anger. And the pain in this mind is
so apparent when it is uncovered that its need of healing cannot be
denied. Not all the tricks and games you offer it can heal it for
here is the real crucifixion of gods son."( Can you explain this)

Beyond all the games and tricks on the surface is hidden pain, and
healing cannot occur until this pain is acknowledged instead of
denied. Yet once acknowledged the pain can quickly be released.
Illusions which are not protected from the Light will disappear,
simply because they have no foundation.

5. I also get confused on how not to identify with the ego when
Jesus is talking in the course directly to the ego (eg. he says you
believe....how am I meant to not identify with the ego and expose it
at the same time, seems so confusing. Help I feel so embarassed
exposing this because part of my mind knows its a lie yet the other
part doesn't - does that make sense?

The exposure of the ego seems difficult only because the ego is
judging itself and the Awakening. Yet judgment has no basis, and an
error condemning itself is insane but not beyond Correction. ACIM
has many metaphors (as if the separation had happened) yet these must
be released as well when they no longer serve. Just be willing to
follow the instructions of the Workbook, and let the rest of the
healing process unfold step by seeming step.

I am joined with you in the healing. Thanks for your willingness to
look upon the insanity of the ego belief system. It cannot ever be
understood, only forgiven or released.

Blessings of Love,

David